Me and fear have been fighting for some time now, and unfortunately Fear has been kicking my butt. I mean putting a major whopping on me. I have been licking my wounds and trying to build up enough courage and strength to look fear in the face and smack taste out of it’s mouth. And that day was yesterday.
I did two major things that I have been dreading out of fear.
1) Publicly admitted my age
2) Getting on the other side of the camera
So on my birthday yesterday I tweeted my age as I got ready for my headshot shoot with my good friend Isabel March.
Why may you ask have I been apprehensive to release my age. In an industry where most of the star photographers are barely out of college and a huge chunk are barely 30, I felt old. I questioned why am I doing this and could my 39 year old self compete with these young whipper snappers. Was I too late in figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up, because damn it I was grown already and was just getting a clue. In a nutshell I doubted my dreams and questioned whether I was worthy. And in coming to that realization I felt a little ashamed. I should be proud of what I am. You are never too old to dream and it is never to late to make them come true. So I wear my 39 years proud like a badge. I never imagined that this would be my life at 39 but I wouldn’t trade any of my experiences or where I am now for anything in the world.
So after that major exhale yesterday morning I psyched myself up for my evening shoot. I am not going to sugar coat it. Getting my picture taken causes me to have a major meltdown. I am almost had a crying fit before Isabel came threatening to ruin the makeup job from Viviane from Vskin and seriously thought about calling it off completely. As a young child I was a camera hound and loved to get my picture taken. My mother took our camera everywhere and made sure to document EVERYTHING! But when I started school and was the object of cruel teasing almost up until high school my self confidence took a severe beating. I started to hate to see pictures of myself. I was too fat, too short, too dark, just not pretty enough to be photographed. My brides always comment on how effusive I am with the comments of “Gorgeous”, “Beautiful”, “OMG you are Pretty” during our shoots. I mean every word of it. Because I truly believe every woman is beautiful in her own way it is just a matter of capturing it on camera in a way so that everyone else can see it. So I want to thank Isabel and Vivianne for helping to chip away at my wall of fear and making me feel beautiful on my special day.